February, 2012 Blog

Journal #1

What I want to do before I die is go to Stanford College and get a medical degree in Oncology and General Surgery. I want this because my family has often been at the hands of cancer.  I want to specialize in Oncology and perform general surgeries because I want to save lives. I would love being a doctor. I think I would be helping the cause of people who have cancer. I also think people would trust me with their family and I would not let them down as I try my hardest to do what needs to be done. The most recent death in my family due to cancer was my uncle who died of Colon cancer on April 22, 2011 and was laid to rest April 28, 2011. The surgeons said they could not operate on the cancer he had. He is some of the inspiration I have for being an Oncologist.

Journal #2

I was a nice and sweet girl.

I remember when I got a letter saying my friend Destany passed away...

I heard all the wrong things.

I saw her before I left, and now she’s gone

I worried she was hurt.

I thought I couldn’t do anything without her.

But I want to change and I don’t know how to do it without her in my life...

I am too good of a person to be doing badly.

I need to realize it’s time to wake up and do better.

I try to think of other things, but, she won’t go away.

I feel so lost and don’t know what to do.

I forgive the people who did it but I’ll never forget it.

Now I want to change but don’t know how...

I will try to be better…

I chose to move on because that’s the best thing.

I dream we will be together once again.

I hope things get better.

I predict I will have a good life.

I know I will go to heaven with her.

I will change…

Journal #3

 The saddest moment of my life was when my brother died. I was in the sixth grade. When I found out I was dumbfounded and didn’t know what to do. He didn’t live with us but he called everyday to talk to my sister and me. He was only 15 when he died. I found out he died on MySpace (the worst way to find out). He got hit by an on-coming train (even though I don’t believe it). My mom was right there by the train tracks when he died. She saw the whole thing. After I found out I cried my eyes out then took a break then cried some more. He was the best thing that happened to me. His dad was going crazy when he found out because they didn’t let him see his son. If you pass by the train tracks you can still see the dried up blood where he dies from. The thing that made it worse was that my mom didn’t let me go to his funeral. But I learned to let it go. I will never forget his death and how it affected me. I will never let his precious name die out; Stacy.

Journal #4

The sun is hot while I swim in the guilty river. Even in the river, my mouth feels dry as the Grand Canyon in the summer afternoon.  The sun is pelting me with the hot air.  My head is heavy: a burden of love with my golden heart full of character.  The night comes and my head becomes frozen with solid ice. The dead returned while I was attempting to thaw by the campfire under the night sky. I closed my eyes for the last time. I fell into an everlasting sleep to keep myself in balance with my family. I was losing my mind until I rose up and thought of them. As I was walked into the driveway the lights flashed on the door swung open with clean clothes and they saw me.  They looked curiously and asked what I had relinquished. It was my life’s story plus your legacy. They looked on while I gave them the keys. My eyes still permanently closed as I took my final breath.

Journal #5

Hello, I am a drug addict.

I grew up with drugs and alcohol in my life. I had a lot happen to me in my life.

I was in a gang. I was, sexually assaulted and abused. I was kicked out of my parents’ home. I have been hated and rejected by all of my family. I’d been beaten up on several occasions by my parents. I have had a rough life. I am now in juvenile hall and I am in a drug program. This drug program is one of the best things that has happened to me.

I am now reconnected with my family, although not my parents. I have learned how to stop using drugs and gain control of my life, my addiction, and myself. Although I have had a hard life, I had to be locked up to see that I have a problem; I would not trade it for anything. Now I can help others and share my experience so everyone knows what drugs do to you. I wouldn’t change my life because it defines who I am. I am going to finish school and major in psychology. So I just want to say thank you juvenile hall.

Journal #6

The saddest moment in my life was when my brother died. I will never forget the image of seeing blood soaking up his shirt as he lay across my lap dead. I remember screaming not knowing what to do next. A lady and a man began to help me, they got my brother off my lap and laid him down and called the police. I was shaking and crying as I looked at my brother on the ground. The lady called my mom and I took the phone and began screaming. The ambulance arrived and took him away. I looked around and saw all of the people surrounding us and began yelling at them too. My mom and I drove to the hospital and it seemed like hours that we were waiting. Then a nurse came. By then all our family and friends had arrived. I couldn’t tell by the look on her face whether it was going to be good or bad. She walked over to my mom and asked to speak to her privately that was when I knew something had gone wrong. After about 30 seconds my mom comes back with tears rolling down her cheeks and her nose was as red as Rudolph’s. She opened her mouth and said the two words I had hope I wouldn’t hear she said he’s gone. Everyone began crying and I couldn’t breathe. That was the saddest day of my life. There is nothing we can do about my brothers’ death but we do know that we will never forget him. He is forever in our hearts, r.i.p big bro.

Journal #7

The one person or thing I would be willing to die for would be my mom; she means the most to me. I would give my life for her. If somebody held my mom and I at gun point and for some sick reason gave me the choice to die or to have my mom die, I would have him kill me.  That is the best way I can think to say it.  I owe her this.

Journal #8

Inspired

The person who inspired me is a man

He taught us not to say I can’t, but, I can

People come in here for all types of things

People say I failed but what does that mean?

He was on drugs and he was a fiend

But look at him now he fulfilled his dream

So now I wake every morning trying to do my best

Never knowing when I’m going to breathe my last breath

 I want to inspire you to be the best you can be

Because that’s the same thing he taught me

I finally open my eyes now; I can see

Let the truth be told it feels good to be drug free

The man I’m talking about is named Dennis

There you go my masterpiece is finished

Journal #9

Doing What I Do – Mac Dre

All Day Long – Mac Dre

Nothing Correctable – Mac Dre

No Middle Man – J Stalin

You Already Know – Messy Marv

Let’s All Get Down – Mac Dre

One Day at a Time – Mac Dre

Push It – J Stalin

Every Day’s My Birthday – J Stalin

Zestwayz – Andre Nickatina

Journal #10

If I was on the edge of death I would try my hardest to stay alive for my mom. I would fight until I couldn’t fight anymore. I would miss my friends. This is hard to write about. I would live for my family. I would live for my friends. I think I would be missed. If I did die, at least I would be with my dad again.  He passed away when I was 6 or 7. Everyone in my family really misses him and even people I don’t hardly know say that they miss him too. Every time I think of him I start to cry. It’s been hard to go through everything my family and I have gone though. Only a few people really know what I mean. If I could just hear him talk or smell his favorite cologne he wore. If I could only see him one time I would be ready to die. He was my friend and my dad. I was too young to understand what the time he spent with me meant. When I was younger I used to think of killing myself to see him again. When we talked about him I felt like he was right next to me. It just makes me cry but not because I’m scared or hurt. They are tears of happiness.

Journal #11

                       Crystal Meth Was My Mistake

I have made a lot of mistakes

I regret the decisions I have made

My first true mistake was meeting and greeting Crystal Meth with open arms

I was blinded by her evil, due to her skillful charm

Once we came in contact, she never left my side

She found me all the time, even when I tried to hide

Everyone I knew warned me of her tricks

They told me too much of her could make me sick

But I didn’t care what they had to say

And little did they know I was her next prey

I lived life when I was high

I felt no emotion and had no remorse

I didn’t even realize my life went from bad to worse

Once I hit rock bottom I finally opened my eyes, to see everything crystal told me was nothing but lies

She convinced me that life was better with her by my side

Until I came to the conclusion that I would rather die,

Than to continue on with her in my life

I came to see the truth, that I was a victim being used

Sobriety is my new best friend

She will be by my side every step of the way

She can always comfort me by letting me know that everything is going to be ok

Journal #12

The meth, the pills, the weed, the thrills

The days in here go by slow,

The pain in my soul grows,

I feel like I lost everything,

I wish it was all just a dream,

Six months in here with no guarantees

That when I get out of here I’ll be free,

Of this addiction that’s holding me back,

Every day I feel so alone,

Searching for something to hold,

My hopes and dreams are everything,

Someday to succeed will be worth it to me.

Journal #13

My life

I’m in a room that’s filled with silence,

Because of guns and drugs and violence,

That life I lived is now no more,

Like it never was before,

I wish I could go back in time,

And never go commit that crime,

And now I have to face my fears,

But it brings my face a ton of tears,

And even if it made me manly,

It tore apart off of my family,

 So now I have a chance to change,

Or remain a man that’s filled with shame,

 Now as I have grown too see,

What all these bad things have done to me,

 Now I hope you’ll overcome,

And never do what I had done,

Always do what you know is right,

So everything can be alright.

Journal #14

I used to be a good kid. My mom had a really hard life and when she had my sister we were struggling to survive. I don’t know my father; I never really met him. I guess it’s for the best because he was a bad person. He hurt my mom when she was pregnant with my sister. So we all ran. My Grandma took us in after we covered about 1500 miles from Oklahoma City to Vancouver, Washington. My mom then raised me to be a good person. I failed her.

I am incarcerated for the third time. I am the person who is tearing my family apart by using drugs, stealing, fighting, and being a disobedient son. It may not sound like much to some of the people I’m locked up with, but it’s enough to make a family member resent you.

When I get out of here, it’s going to be different. No more drugs, no more stealing, and only fighting the bad emotions I’ll have. I’m doing my best to get back in regular school and I’m thankful for the teachers and staff at J.J.C.

Journal #15

I imagine the early dawn with a cold wind breezing in the horizon of the ocean, the sun reflecting against the water. All you hear is the sound of ocean waves beating against the soft sand, the air would appear a foggy blue with me just awakening from the white silk sheets with the fresh smell of early brewed coffee. Nothing to hear but the ocean and the thoughts in my head of who I once was and who I am now. I am branded with the thoughts of my past.  Though peaceful, I remain frozen in my vortex of regret and shame.  So I sit and drift on the sandy beach and let the wind take my thoughts in an attempt to regain my soul from the beast of depression.  The beast shall pay for my forever inevitable shattered heart.